The Legacy of the Balance Guardian

2006-09-21T16:18:00.000-05:00

It's not like I'm walking alone into the valley of the shadow of death
Stand beside one another, 'cause it ain't over yet
I'd be willing to bet that if we don't back down
You and I will be the ones that are holding the Crown in the end
When it's over, we can say, "Well done"
But not yet, 'cause it's only begun
So, pick up, and follow me, we're the only ones
To fight this thing, until we've won
We drive on and don't look back
It doesn't mean we can't learn from our past
All the things that we mighta done wrong
We could've been doing this all along

Everybody, with your fists raised high
Let me hear your battle cry tonight
Stand beside, or step aside
We're on the frontline

And we'll be carrying on, until the day it doesn't matter anymore
Step aside, you forgot what this is for
We fight to live, we live to fight
And tonight, you'll hear my battle cry
We live our lives on the frontlines
We're not afraid of the fast times
These days have opened up my eyes
And now, I see where the threat lies

We've got to lead the way

There I posted.

2006-08-15T13:51:00.000-05:00

I wanna be with you, gotta be with you, need to be with you
(Oh, oh, oh, oh)
I wanna be with you, gotta be with you, need to be with you
(Oh, oh, oh, oh)
Oooo (oh, oh, oh, oh) oooo

Chemistry was crazy from the get-go
Neither one of us knew why
We didn't build nothing overnight
Cuz a love like this takes some time
People swore it off as a phase
Said we can't see that
Now from top to bottom
They see that we did that (yes)
It's so true that (yes)
We've been through it (yes)
We got real sh** (yes)
See baby we been...

Too strong for too long (and I can't be without you baby)
And I'll be waiting up until you get home (cuz I can't sleep without you baby)
Anybody who's ever loved, ya know just what I feel
Too hard to fake it, nothing can replace it
Call the radio if you just can't be without your baby

I got a question for ya
See I already know the answer
But still I wanna ask you
Would you lie? (no)
Make me cry? (no)
Do somethin' behind my back and then try to cover it up?
Well, neither would I, baby
My love is only your love (yes)
I'll be faithful (yes)
I'm for real (yes)
And with us you'll always know the deal
We've been...

Too strong for too long (and I can't be without you baby)
And I'll be waiting up until you get home (cuz I can't sleep without you baby)
Anybody who's ever loved, ya know just what I feel
Too hard to fake it, nothing can replace it
Call the radio if you just can't be without your baby

See this is real talk
I'm always stay (no matter what)
Good or bad (thick and thin)
Right or wrong (all day everyday)
Now if you're down on love or don't believe
This ain't for you (no, this ain't for you)
And if you got it deep in your heart
And deep down you know that it's true (come on, come on, come on)
Well, let me see you put your hands up (hands up)
Fellas tell your lady she's the one (fellas tell your lady she's the one, oh)
Put your hands up (hands up)
Ladies let him know he's got your love
Look him right in his eyes and tell him
We've been...

Too strong for too long (and I can't be without you baby)
And I'll be waiting up until you get home (cuz I can't sleep without you baby)
Anybody who's ever loved, ya know just what I feel
Too hard to fake it, nothing can replace it
Call the radio if you just can't be without your baby

Heeeeeeeeeeeey Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh
Heeeeeeeeeeeey Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh

I wanna be with you, gotta be with you, need to be with you
I wanna be with you, gotta be with you, need to be with you
I wanna be with you, gotta be with you, need to be with you
I wanna be with you, gotta be with you, need to be with you
I wanna be with you, gotta be with you, need to be with you

2006-07-26T15:08:00.000-05:00

When do we lose our innocense? At what point does our lives stop being driven on instinct, and instead start being ran by emotions, wants and impulses? For clearly instinct and impulse is seperate. Or are they? At what point do we start using logic and reasoning to over come our day to day lives?

When do we lose our innocense? When do we lose the ability to see our lives through the eyes of a child? Clearly, a child is innocent. But when do they stop being so? At what point does a child start reacting selfishly? Rashly? Even harmfully? When do we start making right and wrong decisions with self-awareness, instead of instinct?

If a child murders someone, clearly we as adults consider this wrong. But does the child? Yes? No? Is it instinct to kill? To take life in survival, even? Such as a time of war.

When do we lose the innocence and start being driven by more powerful emotions? Both good and bad.

Vanity. Selfishness. Impulsiveness. Greed. Honor. Bravery. Altruism. Sacrifice. Integrity.

When do we start reacting or being proactive instead of instinctive?

Eye on the TV
'Cause tragedy thrills me
Whatever flavor it happens to be, like...
"Killed by the husband"
"Drowned by the ocean"
"Shot by his own son"
"She used a poison
in his tea... then kissed him goodbye"
That's my kind of story
It's never fun 'til someone dies

Don't look at me like
I am a monster
Frown out your one face
But with the other
Stare like a junkie
Into the TV
Stare like a zombie

While the mother holds her child
Watches him die
Hands to the sky crying,
"Why, oh why?"

Cause I need to watch things die... from a distance
Vicariously I live while the whole world dies
You all need it too, don't lie

Why can't we just admit it?
Why can't we just admit it?
We won't give pause until the blood is flowing
Neither the brave nor bold
Will write as the story's told
We won't give pause until the blood is flowing

I need to watch things die... from a good safe distance
Vicariously I live while the whole world dies
You all feel the same, so...

Why can't we just admit it?

Blood like rain come down
Drum on grave and ground

Part vampire
Part warrior
Carnivore and voyeur
Stare at the transmittal
Sing to the death rattle

Credulous at best
Your desire to believe in
Angels in the hearts of men
Pull your head on out, your head please and give a listen
Shouldn't have to say it all again

The universe is hostile, so impersonal
Devour to survive... so it is, so it's always been

We all feed on tragedy
Its like blood to a vampire

Vicariously I live while the whole world dies
Much better you than I

2006-07-13T17:39:00.000-05:00

haven't written in awhile, thought I would. Got transferred to the composite shop at work for the remainder of the time i'm there. Not a big deal, it's good training, I just abhor change.

Me and crystal are doing well. Tommorow will be 9 months that we've been together. I already know that this is the girl i'm going to marry. Won't be for awhile, got some other things to take care of first, but I do love her. Much like I loved gayla, except i'm older now and will not repeat the same mistakes I made with gayla.

Speaking of gayla...here is a song for you. I know you don't love him, and I hope one day you find someone that you do love...you're sticking around because he takes care of you..and I can respect that in a way...I just hope you end up happy.

God broke the mold,
When he made this one I know
She's breathtaking but so much more
She walks in the room, your loves closed
Making you never want to breathe again
Her boyfriend has got so much dough
So much ice his neck and wrist froze
Is he faithful to her? Hell no
But she chose to be with him, shorty

Tell me is the money worth your soul
Tell me what's the reason that you hold on
When you know that dude has a whole wall of 'em just like you
And girl you're just way too fine
Gotta be treated as one of a kind
Girl use your mind
Don't be just another dime

Because

I can't take
Seeing you with him
'Cuz I know exactly what you'll be,
In his gallery
It's just not fair
And it's tearing me apart
You're just another priceless work of art
In his gallery

She's so confused
She knows she deserves more
Someone who will love and adore
But his money's hard to ignore
She really doesn't know what to do
Girl it's just a matter of time
Before he finds another more fine
After he's done dulling your shine
You're out the door and he's through with you

Tell me is the money worth your soul
Tell me what's the reason that you hold on,
When you know that dude has a whole wall of 'em just like you
And girl you're just way too fine
Gotta be treated as one of a kind
Girl use your mind
Don't be just another dime

I can't take
Seeing you with him
'Cuz I know exactly what you'll be
In his gallery
It's just not fair
And it's tearing me apart
You're just another priceless work of art
In his gallery

You're a masterpiece
I know that he
Can't appreciate your beauty
Don't let him cheapen you
He don't see you like i do
Beautiful not just for show
Time that someone let you know

I can't take
Seeing you with him
'Cuz I know exactly what you'll be
In his gallery
It's just not fair
And it's tearing me apart
You're just another priceless work of art

I can't take
Seeing you with him
'Cuz I know exactly what you'll be
In his gallery
It's just not fair
And it's tearing me apart
You're just another priceless work of art
In his gallery
In his gallery

Well...watched all three original starwars movies with crystal earlier. She's got a sunburn so she layed there without a shirt or bra, so I was happy. Anywho...Don't have much to say so....later

2006-06-22T15:58:00.000-05:00

FUCK YOU HIGHSCHOOL!!
I WASN'T STUPID!
I WAS LAZY!
AND THIS PROVES IT! FUCK YOU PRINCIPLE RICHARDS! FUUUUCK YOOOOOU!!!!!

This Certificate is awarded to Ryan K Boland in liei of a high school diploma for having made acceptable (More like outfuckingstanding) scores on a comprehensive and approved battery of standardized tests of general education and development in the following high school subject fields; Writing skills, social studies, science, literature and the arts, and mathematics.

Issued by the Virginia Department of Education on this day May 16th, 2006

Signed, blahblahblah

HA! FUCK YOU!

Nows lets analyze in retro-spect. Average Battery score is 658.

I scored 3290.
You have demonstrated the 21st century skills of:
Communication
Information Processing
Problem Solving
Higher order thinking skills
In five test areas to perform effectively in the workplace or in higher education as the top 10% of traditional high school graduates.

Fuckin' right, doggy.

Language Arts, Reading - 99%
Language Arts, Writing - 86% (Been awhile since I wrote and the topic was very dry)
Mathematics - 82% (always been my worst subject..so boring)
Science - 97%
Social Studies - 93%

Language Arts, Reading
Your score exceeds the GED passing score requirement and the scores of 80% of graduating seniors. You demonstrated superior skills in the following areas;
Comprehending, analyzing, evaluating, and synthesizing workplace and literary texts.

Language Arts, Writing
Your score exceeds the GED passing score requirement and the scores of 80% of graduating seniors. You demonstrated superior skills in the following areas.
using the elements of standard english to edit workplace and informational documents and to generate well-organized and developed written tests.

Mathematics
Your score meets or exceeds the GED passing score requirement. You demonstrated essential skills in the following areas.
Understanding and interpreting mathematical concepts in algebra, data analysis, statistics, geometry, and number operations applied to visual and written texts and academic and workplace texts. (you'd think they wouldn't use so many ands in a row)

Science
Your score exceeds the GED passing score requirement and the scores of 80% of graduating seniors. You demonstrated superior skills in the following areas.
Understanding, interpreting, and applying concepts of life, earth and space sciences, physics, and chemistry to visual and written texts from academic and workplace contexts.

Social Studies
Your score exceeds the GED passing score requirement and the scores of 80% of graduating seniors. You demonstrated superior skills in the following areas.
Understanding, interpreting, and applying key history, geography, economics, and civics concepts and principles to visual and written academic and workplace contexts.

Not having my diploma has always beena very big chip on my shoulder. Both as a judge of my own character and potential to what I knew I could achieve, and to what others thought of me. I know i'm smart...highschool was just a very sad and lonely time in my life. My best friend betrayed me to hang with the popular kids and I was stuck to fend for myself. Then I met kelli. My first long term girlfriend. I treated her good, and in the end she was a liar, an attention seeking whore (literally), and treated me like trash. She cheated on me more than once, and had some growing up to do. I imagine, even now, that she still does. She ruined highschool for me. We broke up and I stopped going to school. I couldn't handle seeing her everyday, hanging on other people like I never existed..she broke my heart, and in the end, I got expelled from school for missing so many days. I let her get the best of me and it nearly killed me. I thought of killing myself several times in highschool, but I wasn't the typical emo kid..I didn't dress outlandish, or have a stupid hairstyle..I wore jeans and t shirts and just minded my own business, went home and played games. That was my life. Now...i'm proud to say I can set that part of myself away on a shelf and never think about it until my kids ask. Kelli...thank you for treating me like shit. Karma hasa funny way of showing you that what goes around, comes around...i hope nothing bad ever happens to you...but if it does, i'll certainly be at your funeral...if nothing else than to smile...just a little...only a little...on the inside, just for me.

2006-06-15T07:00:00.000-05:00

Wisdom Teeth pulled.

And there was lots of pain.

And then there was vicadin.

And there was much rejoicing.

2006-05-12T14:43:00.000-05:00

A chapter of my life has ended...the last page finished, the prelude to another chapter looming before me...and I embrace it with open arms. Her name is Crystal.

To my last chapter, this song is for you.

Do you remember me?
You can't see the things
That make me who I am
You'll never understand

And I gotta keep moving, you're living off my sweat
Moving, the devil's on my back
And these are the days that I dreamed about
And you're always there to remind me

You're my enemy
All that we had has gone away
There are times that fade away
But you'll still be my enemy

The friend you had in me
You turned on so easily
I'm sad to see you go
At least now I know

And I gotta keep moving, you're living off my sweat
Moving, the devil's on my back
And these are the days that I dreamed about
And you're always there to remind me

You're my enemy
All that we had has gone away
There are times that fade away
But you'll still be my enemy

And I see clearly now
You tried to bleed me
And I see clearly now
You tried to feed on me

2006-04-26T10:11:00.000-05:00

hello, I'm your martyr, will you be my gangster
can you feel my trigger hand, moving further down your back
when you hide, hide inside that body
but just remember that when I touch you
the more you shake, the more you give away

cold, but I'm still here, blind, cause I'm so blind, say never
we're far from comfortable this time
cold, now we're so cold, mine, and you're not mine, say never
we're far from obvious this time

wait, another minute here, time will kill us after all
now can you feel its second hand wrapped around your neck
so fall into my eyes and fall into my lies
but don't you forget the more you turn away, the more I want you to stay

cold, but I'm still here, blind, cause I'm so blind, say never
we're far from comfortable this time
cold, now we're so cold, mine, and you're not mine, say never
we're far from obvious this time

you're so endearing, you're so beautiful,
well I don't look like they do, and I don't love like they do
but I don't hate like they do
am I ever on your mind?

cold, but I'm still here, blind, cause I'm so blind, say never
we're far from comfortable this time
cold, now we're so cold, mine, and you're not mine, say never
we're far from obvious this time

COLD, you broke me from the very first night
I'd love you til the day that I die
I'm far too comfortable this time
COLD, I loved you from the very first night
you broke me til the day that I die
I'm far too obvious this time

2006-04-20T16:59:00.000-05:00

Mood: Content but exhuasted.

Haven't..ran...for months....*pants* just...ran....2 miles....gonna...*wheeze* die....

So yea, I drovemy card around the apartment complex a few weeks ago to gauge the distance all the way around. Equaled out to be about half a mile. I haven't ran in several months and i've gained about 7 pounds aovemy average...so i decided enough is enough..it was time to get back into shape. My shape. Lean.

So I searched for 20 minutes for some triple A batteries, found one half full and put it in my mp3 player, loaded some new songs, and went outside. Stretched at my car, and off I went. The first 2 times around felt pretty good, which was a mile. The 3rd one started to burn and I felt my energy starting to drop. So I reattuned myself with the music and pacedmyself with the beat. Got to the end of the 3rd round and debated whether to stop at a mile and a half (which is a standard navy PRT run) or go one more and make it an even 2 miles. Being stubborn that I am, I continued to run, thinking to myself "I haven't ran in months, and I need to get my physical endurance and willpower back online"...and it sucked. The 4th time around, my mind started playing it's normal tricks. Telling me to stop, that my body had had enough and it was time to cool off. I ignored the logical plea from my brain and kept running. My thighs started to burn, my heels began to hurt, my throat was getting sore and my lungs began to ache as they had to expand more than normal due to the extra oxygen I needed.

But as I ran I began to daydream about the "Runners High"...the state of mind when the body has been pushed t the max and the brain administers adrenaline and other chemicals into the body to kicks it into overdrive. The pain subsides, your breathe comes back as if you were never running at all and you feel fresh. I've never reached that state, but I hear it kicks in roughly around 3 miles for most people. I also began to tink about how better i'd be in bed with crystal as my endurance began to rise like it had been when we frst started dating. Megan got lucky there I guess, I was running the whole time I was with her. But anyway, I ended my run back at the apartment where i'd started, and cooled off, placing my hands on my hips and walking around, catching my breathe.

I remember when I use to run alot that after about 5 minutes of running, i'd already have my breathe back from the initial kick. So when I finished I wouldn't be breathing heavy. it'll take me about a week to get back to that point, which is all I have since the PRT is wednesday. I plan to run everyday until then so I'll smoke everyone at the PRT like I always do.

Anyway, enough about my physical Fitness. Time to eat my chicken fried rice and find something to do.

2006-04-16T09:10:00.000-05:00

My trust in you has been shaken. Of all the people I've ever known, I thought you were the most trustworthy. You would keep your promises even if it killed you. Then you went and broke into my hotmail account to get personal information from me. I have your confession, and a witness...you seriously broke the law, but I would never take legal action against you.....but I still can't believe you did that...all for a woman you never even met. All of our trust, our bond, everything we were, you destroyed when you did that.

I never cheated on you. I always told you how I felt, and if I didn't think it was working out. I never cheated on Anne either. I told her from the beginning that we weren't commited to each other. I told her several times, whether she wanted to believeit, is another story. And the closest I ever came to cheating on Megan was with you, perlin. When megan left, that was it. It was over. When she left, and you showed up, I was single. If megan thought otherwise, then I guess that's my fault. I never meant to construe a situation like that. But you three colaborated like rats, so congratulations. You got me. You win.

Anne - Have a nice life, sorry about my posts on perlins blog. Hope you have a good life wth your fiance and child. Hope the pregnancy goes well.

Megan - As much as I hate this, I feel like I have to just suck it up if I ever want to change. I want to be a better person than I am right now so that when Madelyn grows up, she can meet a good person...not someone who holds resentments for all the things he cannot change. I'm going to do my best to forget about everything bad that has ever happened between us so that I can be the best person I can be for her. We're starting over.

Perlin - I very much want to hate you...and hate is as powerful as word as I can think of right now. But regardless of everything, we've had alot more good memories than bad. My trust in you has been shaken, but you're still my best friend...whether we hang out like we use to or not. I've tried to hang out with you, but you always want to do something else. Even when you're here, you'd rather play your DS than do something with me. Why did you come here then? I don't understand...

But I can't go on with my life hating any of you. I have to make an effort to change. Being pissed off because of all this isn't good for me, or Crystal. And I love her too much to let three other women destroy my relationship with her. The only thing I have to look forward too right now is Crystal and my life wth her. I'll try and patch things up as best I can with Megan, for madelyns sake. Gayla never responded to my text messages, so I'm just gonna leave her alone. She doesn't want me in alex's life either. She'd rather me stay out of it, but she still wants my money. Funny how that works....but she'll keep getting the money until Alex is 18.

So that's that. This is my pledge to become a better person, and flick all the chips off my shoulders. I'm not going to let someone elses actions or words control my life and my emotions.

2006-04-10T17:32:00.000-05:00

Mood: Passive

Well, found out i'm not going on cruise. They won't let me go since i'm transferring in october. According to navy regs, I have to be at my parent command 30 days prior to checking out, which puts me in a september time frame. So, they are sending a replacement for me, and I got switched to the U.S.S. Truman, which happens to be in the shipyards and ain't going anywhere for quite some time. In the mean time, i'll be working as normal with a few changes. Wedon't have a night check anymore, so we're all on the day shift, which sucks. I hate days. And we're implementing this new program called AIRSpeed which is supposed to streamline aviation maintenance all around, save the navy money on their budget (which in essence, saves us the taxpayers money) and making life more pleasant all around. The program sounds good on paper, and in theory it works. We've only been doing it for a month and are the 17th station to come online with the program. So far it's living up to the hype. Go Navy.

On another note, Perlin will be here Wednesday. That's going to be...awkward. Not for me so much as for crystal. She's already expressed her discomfort, and i've done what I can to reassure her. She trusts me, it's perlin she doesn't trust. She realizes that she has no reason to not trst perlin other than the fact that perlin and myself use to date. She doesn't know perlin, thus she doesn't trust her...but it's a demon she has to fight on her own...i've given her the armor, but she carries the weapon. We'll see what happens.

Perlin mentioned she was eating chip and drinking Mt. Dew, which i've banned from my soda drinking...I saw a cup at dental on the ship that changed my whole outlook on Mt. Dew...there was a set of teeth sitting in the cup, full of mountain dew. i came back the next day to see the teeth, which had dissolved about halfway and started to turn black and nasty...no more Mt. Dew for me...but I also gave crystal a ring and asked her to pick up some cheese dip on the way home, which she sould be here any moment.

Whatelse...Oh yea. Back to Oblivion and DDO. I've started over on Oblivion about 15 times. I can't pick a set of skills I want to specialize in...I want to be good at everything, and when I accomplish that, I feel like i'm too good at everthing and I lose my sense of purpose...my individuality of being in a specific class, and end up starting over again..so i've put Oblivion on hold until perlin gets here.

As far as DDO goes, well...it's not all it was cracked up to be. The graphics are sub-par for what I expected, or what they could be for that matter. The character creation process is kinda lame with very few options to choose from as far as looks go. I'm use to being able to completly modify a face in every aspect. Everquest 2, oblivion...Tiger woods PGA tour 2006 for cryin out loud...but DDO can't implement it? it's also geared very much toward dungeon crawling, which isn't a bad thing..I just wish it was in a whole world, instead of a single city. No city has that much turmoil or dungeons to explore...or everyone would be dead..it wouldn't be a city..it'd be a gosttown, literally..full fo waring kobolds, undead and other crap...it's TOO unrealistic. But because i'm a hardcore d&d fan, I continue to play it. The spells are decent, but again, there is no sense of purpose. I picked a server where I've seen about 14 Drizzt Do'Urdens, in every spellable way...and i've reported them all. Roleplaying is worse than WoW on my server, and the chinese farmers are already present. I've ran across a few...but enough of DDO...

What else...hmm...tried a couple other games. RF online being one...threw it in the garbage 5 minutes after playing it. Got a free copy of guildwars still unopened..and Dragonshard..a D&D RTS game, also unopened. I cancelled all my other MMO accounts, except DDO. MMO's are quickly wearing out their welcome in my online gaming life. They are losing quality fast, instead coming out in quantity. Back in the days of Everquest and Ultima Online..quality mattered..now so many of the damn things are coming out, and competing against all the others, that it's hard to come by a good quality MMO anymore. WoW was complete garbage...sure it looked nice, but it's a MMO for stupid people..it's takes almost no intelligence what-so-ever to play the game...a god damn 6 year old I know plays the fuckin game...SIX YEARS OLD...Daoc got old too. A decent game, but there is smply TOO much that you have to do in order to be on par with the PvPers. 10 master levels, artifacts, chamption levels..all of which take very, very large amounts of time to achieve..time i'm not willing to spend with such a lack of high end gaming expierence.

I've been playing some PS2 out of sheer boredom, with the lack of quality games. F.E.A.R. was nice, but that got old too ater I kept smashing everyone online...the single player was nice up until about the 8th mission was every mission was the same, except they looked different. Go here, do this. Go there, do that...no surprises. The last good quality game I played that I was hooked on..was Splinter Cell: Chaos Theory. Good multiplayer and single player. And before that, i'd probably say thief 2...I dunno..i'm a sucker for stealth/action games. Something about sneaking up/around someone without them knowing excites me...shooting someone in the face "Boom, Headshot!" doesn't do anything for me...any lame as can have good twitch reflexes (I'm a lame ass too), but it takes something more to have the patience to play a stealth/action game...alot of people can't do it...and I find some other sort of satisfaction in that too.

On the home front, me and crystal are doing well. And that's all i'll say about that. I don't talk about my personal relationships anymore. it's disrespectful and i'm not one to be a drama queen. So yea we're good. That's all.

Having a hard time finding any good music to listen too anymore. I'm half tempted to delete all my mp3's because I'm starting to hate them all. But at the same time, the radio sucks...every station blows....i'm tired of hearing this old rock classic pieces of shit songs...I fuckin hate that old, whiney, screaching shit...give me some old metallica, pantera, static X, shadows fall...shit like that..why can't there be a station for heavy metal listeners? Ah well...i'm running out of shit to say so..i'm done.

2006-03-30T12:30:00.000-05:00

I built my life like my bike on a rigid frame
So nothing bends it only breaks into pieces and pieces
I waited for hope to arrive but it never came
Leaving me with only pain inside
I'm going off the deep end

I built my life on a rigid frame.
So nothing bends it only breaks into pieces and pieces.
I waited for hope to arrive but it never came.
Leaving me with only pain inside.
I'm going off the deep end.

Holding on is harder than it seems
When you're reaching for so much more
Seems so much easier to just give in
When you're reaching for so much more

Another wasted Saturday so here I stay
Where nothing seems to ever change anyway hey
All this hype about life bein' great
Where's the love for me these days
I'm goin off the deep end

Holding on is harder than it seems
When you're reaching for so much more
Seems so much easier to just give in
When you're reaching for so much more

Holding on is harder than it seems
When you're reaching for so much more
Seems so much easier to just give in
When you're reaching for so much more

2006-03-22T11:11:00.000-05:00

Well, i'm off the ship for a month and a half, then we pull out on may 2nd to go on deployment for 6 months. I went to work today fill out my leave chit and found out that my ex-girlfriend sent my chief an email asking me to come see my baby girl. I'll tell him to send a formal response when I get back off leave, but if you see this before then.

No thanks. You wanted me out of your life, then keep me out of your life. You're not going to keep tagging me along and ruining mine. Unless you want to re-talk things, stay the fuck away from me. You can't have your cake and eat it to. You got hurt and retaliated, but with every breathe I take, I feel that you'll regret this one day. And I want no further part of it. You made your choice, and until you want to talk, stay away from. The more you go through my command instead of me, the further this gap between us three will grow.

On other news, I spent about 3000 dollars yesterday. 1100 on a psp with accesories, and sent my dad 1500 dollars. He was behind on bills and needed some help. he found a new job though and is in training right now then he should be ok. Spent some money on some other crap and took crystal to dinner like I always do. gave the waitress a nice 20 dollar tip on a 33 dollar bill.

On the gaming front, Oblivion came out and so did D&D online. DDO is nice, I like it. haven't tried Oblivion yet. I'll get around to it, though.

Well, back to my music.

2006-02-12T13:12:00.000-05:00

Mood: Tranquil

Self-reflection. One of the three things that set the human race apart from the other animals on the earth. Our ability to look inward and analyze our actions, and other possible courses of action. It gives us the ability to learn from our mistakes, or make wise decisions.

I was doing my own self-reflecting yesterday while I was out to dinner with crystal...and I realized something. She's everything my last g/f isn't, except beautiful. They both are.

But crystal is patient. She's not impulsive and she lets me be me without judgement. She's from a very religious background where if you didn't goto church, you're the devil. Her mom and dad are quickly warming up to me. Her dad being retired navy, so we have some common ground. Her mom however, doesn't understand why we have sex and we're not married. So, shortly after we started having sex, we got on birth control and tried to explain to her mom that we have to live with each other first before we get married to make sure we're compatible. So far, so good. We've been together for a few months now and we haven't had a fight or any sort of heated argument. The sex has slowed down, but I expected that and so did she. So instead of several times a day, we do it several times a week. But anyway...

I asked her a question this morning in the shower, for which I already knew the answer, but I wanted to ask anyway.

"If someone in your family was getting married, and the dresscode was semi-formal. No jeanes, no sneakers, that sorta thing...would you let me wear whatever I wanted?"

I knew she'd say yes, and she did. She laughed at me and said "You'd be the one standing out, I don't care if you went naked." And I smiled and continued to wash my hair.

But it made me realize some past mistakes that I had made. The person I was with before crystal was controlling. She wanted things her way, and she wanted me to be someone that I'm not..and I can honestly say, i'm glad things turned out this way. I don't have to put on a face to please people..I can be whoever I want, and do whatever I want, and she won't look at me any differently.

I've learned from past relationships that communication is the master key to the relationship. Crystal and I talk about everything. When we go out, there's never these dull moments where we have all this silence...we talk, ALL THE TIME...and I hope that never changes. I can sit here on the computer and play my games, and she'll lay on the bed and watch tv and use her laptop...and we're ok with that. I give her the attention she needs through-out the day, and in return she lets me be me, without judgement...sure, sometimes I've stayed on longer than I probably should have...but I make up for it later and she knows that. Like right now, she laughed and messed up my hair and went and turned on the tv...we have a good relationship....and I wouldn't change that for anyone.

So to all my past girlfriends....thank you for helping to show me what I DIDN'T want in a relationship.

2006-02-07T03:35:00.000-05:00

The Fools Bow.
This bow is an artifact from the anceint lost civilization of Atlantis. If the tower is of low quality, the bow is capable of single-handedly destroying towers, and doors to those towers within mere minutes. This ability is only available to a Fools bow that has reached it's height in power.

I have this bow, and it was maxed at level 10 about an hour ago. I decided to go try it. So I pulled up the realm map to get a vague idea of where everyones attention is. Scanning our realm of Hibernia, I see that Midgard has launched an offensive and taken a Keep and surrounding towers on the eastern shoreline near Dun nged.

So I take a look at Midgards realm, and Hibernia has taken a single tower. This does my no good as I don't want to defend a tower, I want to take one. So Midgard looks promising, as their attention is currently diverted toward Hibernia.

So I take a look at Albion..and lo and behold...down near the southern most part of a map lays a single tower that Midgard has taken. The other towers and the keep near are still in their respective ownership of Albion control...so I grab a ticket from the dock master and head for Hadrians well, where I'll jump ship and swim the bottom of the river bed using the weeds as cover. I quaff a water breathing potion (which also has a side effect of increasing my swimming speed) and sit and wait. Once there I jump ship and stealth to the sea floor where I unstealth and commence my approach.

Nearing my point of ascension, I re-stealth and swim to the surface...and there in the dark of the albion night, in the fog..I see my goal. The 3rd tower of Sursbrook Keep...like a beacon in the night...I checked the relam map to see if the tower was claimed by a Midgard guild. If it was, then once I attacked it, it would alert that guild and any members on of an attacker on their tower as well as our strength in number...imagine what they'd say if they saw "A Huscarl at your guilds tower has died with one enemy in the area." I'd be crispy bacon in seconds. Fortunatly, the tower was unclaimed.

Still stealthed I swim to shore and head toward a grassy gnoll to get a look of the defenses. A single troll Huscarl runs on a patrol around the tower. I quickly size him up and watch him make a round, making sure there are no others in view. When he comes back around, I draw an arrow and open fire. My Fool's bow, it's power wanting to be unleashed, despenses a deadly poison into the charging trolls body. Surprisingly, the troll is faster than he looks and was on me within seconds with sword and shield. I put away my bow and drew my swords and attacked. The Huscarl at first put up a good fight, then seeing as I had better change my tactics or I was quickly going to lose this fight, I called upon the powers of my Shades of Mist cloak to turn me into a shade as black as the night sky I was under. The battle quickly turned to my favor and I dispatched the troll.

I swung around stealthed to see the front of the tower. My guess from the outside defenses, a single troll and no wall guards, gave me the assumption that there was no one inside but the tower captain. As I swung around to see the front door, I noticed there was a armored battering ram parked in front. Obviously from the midgard team, or single body like myself, that had taken the tower in the first place. If this group, or person, was still in the area they showed no signs.

So I opened fire. The Fools Bow, sensing my target unleashed hell on the tower doors. As the doors were about half way destroyed I recieved a mental message from another ranger in the area. Apparently he had senses from the realm map that this Midgard tower in albion territory was a fine mark, as I had. When a tower goes under siege, it lights on fire on the map to alert everyone of a potential take over. This warned him and he inquired if I was the one responsible. I said yes and he asked if he could join. About the time I said yes, the door was shattered from my bow and I charged.

But my assumption about the defenses was a bit pre-mature. As I ran up to go inside I saw another huscarl, albiet a dwarf, and not nearly as formidable. I stealthed but too late, and the huscarl attacked. I dispatched of her, keeping the door in view incase the tower got reinforcements. As my fellow ranger had noticed the tower was under siege, surely the other two realms had as well, especialy Midgard, as they were the ones who took it from Albion in the first place.

I slew the dwarf and stealthed and headed up...the captain was waiting. I knew I was no match for the captain alone, but just as I thought that, ym fellow ranger charged up the stairs along with a friend of his. A druid. My heart swelled and we attacked the tower captain. After playing ping-pong with arrows with the captain not knowing who was a bigger threat...he fell in battle at our feet and the tower was our.

"The Forces of Hibernia has taken control of Caersbrook Tower".

This is what the entire server saw....and I knew now, if not before, that reinforcements were certainly on their way. I recieved some of natures blessings from the druid, and the other ranger and myself took up defenses on the outside walls. I placed a pot of oil above the door, ready to pour on any below, and set of a ranger guard from the woods on the wall as well.

Just about the time I'd finished my preperations, I saw the ranger guard take aim and fire. My attention immediatly diverted to the ground below where I saw 3 enemies. I started the pot of oil as they quickly waylayed the ranger guard. My fellow ranger who came to help opened fire as well as I searched for a better vantage point. Just as I'd found one I heard a frightful wail as a Banshee came through the wall and attacked my fellow ranger. He was ravashed by the screams of the banshee of was defenseless. I opened fire, but my arrows were doing little. As he regained control of himself he ran around the outside of the wall, trying to evade the banshee, who simply went through the walls of the tower, following him. He fell shortly there after. I stealthed, by the banshee was no novice. Her scream sent pangs of pain through me and I couldn't hold my stealth, and was revealed where in she came for me next. I drew my blades, but they hit nothing bu air as her chilling claws raked my body...I felt the veil wash over me, and found myself ressurected as our Border keep of Druim Ligen where I signed and saw my fellow ranger.

Placing a hand on his shoulder I spoke softly. "Well met." As I pulled the bow off my shoulder and looked at it. "I think I might start to like this bow..." As he smiled and said in his chippy Lurikeen voice. "Shall we go back and give them something else to remember?"

I shook my head. "No. Not today. I've no intention of seeing that banshee again." As he nodded and ran off into the crowd, I put my bow back over my shoulder and strode through the huge gates of Druim Ligen, back into my homeland of Hibernia to find a quiet glade and rest.

2006-02-06T21:54:00.000-05:00

Silhouettes above the cradle hold me down
They won't let me go the wrong way
My mother taught me all the fables, told me how
In the end all the sinners have to pay

But...I don't wanna live like my mother
I don't wanna let fear rule my life
And i don't wanna live like my father
I don't wanna give up before i die

He worked so hard his bones are breaking
He wore them down but long ago he lost the feeling
His good intentions leave me shaking, show me how
I don't ever want to end up like he did

And...I don't wanna live like my mother
I don't wanna let fear rule my life
And i don't wanna live like my father
I don't wanna give up before i die

When i have kids
I won't put any chains on their wrists, i won't
I'll tell them this
There's nothing in this world that you can't be if you want it enough

I don't wanna live like my mother
I don't wanna let fear rule my life
And i don't wanna live like my father
I don't wanna give up before i die

I don't wanna live like my mother
I don't wanna let fear rule my life
I don't wanna live like my father
I don't wanna give up before I die

When the time is right...

2006-01-18T16:19:00.000-05:00

Dear Madelyn,

I'm writing this now when my feelings are still fresh in my mind. I hope that one day when you're able to understand this letter and appreciate it's meaning, that all of the hate and anguish your mother and myself have been causing each other will have come to a halt.

I loved your mother very much, and at the time of this letter, I still very much do care about her. I'm not going to throw the blame one way or another as we both did things, said things, that we shouldn't have. I cannot change what happened, and I wouldn't if I could...I've never believed in fate or god until the day your mother called me on the phone after she had just given birth to you...I don't know if I was hearing things, but I swear I heard a baby in the background...I hope it was you..

If things continue as they are now, within a few days I will be ordered by my commanding officer to never speak to your mother again. This is her wish, and I have no choice but to accept that fact. At the time of this letter, it's still not too late to change things...to stop what's going on, but that's your mothers choice to make, not mine. I did what she wanted, and now I regret doing it. I was wrong in so many ways. I am sorry in so many ways...but i'll never be sorry for meeting your mother...i'll never forget the day we met at Starbucks and walked around wal-mart for 2 hours, just talking...i knew right away that something special was going to happen between us..and i'm happy to say that special something was you.

Your mom has my number, and to the best of my ability, my door will always be open. Because of my life, my job, you will be better off in your mothers care...but when you're old enough to make that decision on your own...my door will always be open for you.

With Much Love,
Ryan

2005-12-13T13:38:00.000-05:00

About 2 years ago, I started talking to a woman named Alicia. There was alot of electricity between us and we fell in love. Unfortunatly, she was ready for the kind of relationship that I was, and I ended things between us. Several months, and a few girlfriends later, I'm with crystal. I'm happy, and I love her to death, and she knows it. About 2 weeks ago, alicia sends me an instant message on AIM. I didn't recognize the screen name at all. It was familiar, but I just couldn't place it. So i forgot about it and went about my life. Crystal and myself enjoyed our time in ohio then we came home to virginia. I had added the mysterious screen name to my buddy list so I could check up on it later. Lo and Behold, I caught the person online about 3 days ago and inquired as to who it was.

"Who is this?"
"Alicia"
"Alicia who?"
"If you don't remember, it's probably a good thing."
So there i sat, searching through the folders of my mind, going through files, trying to sort out the name, and someone who I obviouly, had known at one point. I kept thinking of my friend Annes sister, but then I thought that couldn't be right, I never talked to her except when I was with anne. So I kept thinking, and thinking and then it dawned on me...and after about a 5 minute lapse between messages..

"Oh shit..."
"Yea.." Was her response.

Apparently, I had changed her life. She'd never felt the same since I left and she was ready to make up for lost time. She was ready to take the relationship that we had once had, to the level that I wanted. I was torn. I love crystal with all my heart, and for the past 3 days i've been talking to alicia now and again on AIM, just bullshitting. She'd confess her love, i'd tell her to stop. She wanted to meet with me, I told her no. I knew that if I went out with her, anywhere, i'd break crystals heart. I gave crystal my word, and that word is all I have. There is an obvious magic between crystal and I, and I wasn't willing to lose that. After getting my wits about me and coming to my senses, I told alicia that it just wasn't possible. Even as friends, because when I talked to her I wanted more. I told her I'm happy with crystal and that perhaps in some other time, it was possible. She told me she loved me, and hasn't talked to me sense.

I can't help but feel a strange sense of relief that she was gone, again. I feel like at every turn, i'm being tested in some way. Either by people that crystal talks to, as they still want to be intimate with her, like Joe or by people who were once apart of my life. Gayla, Megan, Alicia, Anne...and crysta and I got together, we made a deal that we should know our pasts, but in time. Our pasts would not define our future, yet....at my every fatal turn, my past comes back to haunt me. And I can't help but sense some higher power...some greater intelligence is sending these people back to me for a purpose.

I love Crystal, but I don't intend to tell her about alicia. Crystal will read my blog eventually, as she does from time to time, and she will know. And I hope she understands that I made the right choice. That I have been, and always will be, forever faithful to her until the day I die. I gave her my word that I would never cheat on her, and I wholeheartedly intend to keep my word.

I Love you, Crystal.

2005-11-29T12:05:00.000-05:00

Mood: Tranquil

Had a dream last night after me and crystal had lots and lots of SEX...she was having a picnic with someone, I think it was her best friend, Sarah. I was watching her sitting with sarah on top of a hill for awhile when the view changed to inside a home..don't know who's home, wasn't mine. Was a log cabin of some sorts, but anyway..the fireplace was going and we were sitting there talking when I saw a flash from her point of view a few hours earlier. Someone she knows was giving her oral sex and it flashed back to the cabin, we started to argue and in the dream she didn't seem to think she'd done anything wrong.

I haven't had a dream that I remembered for a very long time. And to finally have a dream, especially about crystal, but in this manor was....disturbing. I woke up, and thanked god that it was just a dream..a couple minutes later, crystal woke up and started rubbing my back asking me "what the hell are you doing?" I remember looking back with the corner of my eye and I couldn't help but laugh to myself...a disturbing dream, but it WAS just a dream...albiet a bad one. I don't think crystal will be the kind of perosn to ever cheat on me. I have a hard time trusting women in general because everyone i've ever been with has cheated on me to some degree or another. Whether it's just a kiss, or an intimate hug...that's still cheating. Flirting seems to be an ongoing thing in my relationships too...why do people seem to think that flirting isn't crossing the line? By nature, you flirt with someone that you want to have relations with, as more than friends..that's why you flirt...it's the same thing about trying to be sexy for someone. You don't do it JUST to make yourself feel better. You do those things to try and get that other persons attention because you want MORE from them than what you're currently getting..

Crystal and myself had a long conversation about all this last night and we both seem to be on the same page, seeing eye to eye with just about everything. Everything. We both understand that in order for a relationship to work, it takes trust. But we both understand that trust isn't given. It's earned. If you start from the get-go GIVING someone your trust without knowing them, you're just setting yourself up for failure. We both understand this and we want very much to prove to one another that we deserve that trust from each other.

We talk alot about a whole assortment of topics, and it surpises me how alike we think...I think we'll be just fine.

2005-11-27T06:05:00.000-05:00

Mood: Not quite sure...

On the way to ohio, I made crystal stay up in the car to keep me awake. She tried, and the end result is apparent now. neither one of us can sleep correctly. We end up going to bed as early as 7pm, and waking up early in the morning. like 2am early. We've been here only a few days but I can definatly get use to the idea of having her around, except for this ever present feeling of inadequacy. Our pasts aren't supposed to matter, but..it's a wierd feeling when I don't feel like i'm good enough. I asked her a intimate question, and expected an intimate response, and I got one. No big deal. But..the tone of her voice when she said it expressed more than what she actually said..."A marine." with a slight giddy little laugh...I just feel like she wants more in a guy than what I have to offer her. I'm not tall, and I don't have a rock hard body, though I do intent to change that...I use to be quite chubby actually. In my early years of highschool, I couldn't even see my toes if I looked down at them because of my stomach. That was 9th grade..or 8th..one of em...but shortly there after I hit my last growth spurt and grew a whopping inch or so to even out at 5'5...but anyway....she's sitting here with me reading this, and I'm not sure why it's easier for me to type than to just talk to her...i've always been like that when I feel insecure about something...I never was a diary writer until perlin showed me this whole blog crap...I guess it comes in handysometimes...

Anyway, back on subject. I feel like she wants more..atleast physically than what I have to offer atm and it gives me this huge feeling of inadequacy. She was telling me about this guy that she was fuck budies with, which is fine, we've all had them...except for eric..haha..anyway. But apparently the guy was a marine, tall, well built, and just the way she said it made me feel so small...at that point, trying to go back to sleep was over...perlin...reactivate my chat box thingy so you can respond to my blogs...I just might start writing here more often.

2005-10-27T07:13:00.000-05:00

Well, we're in port for a few days...this is day 3 of 4 days off. Get off work today and go back to the hotel that me and crystal got. Nice little place really. Best Western, 4 nights. Has a little resturant connected with it called "The Great Steak" albeit expensive and not my style. Got off the ship and got in crystals car....we've been attached at the hip ever since I got off tuesday...i've probably gone out to eat 5 or 6 times since tuesday and spent alot more money than I should have...love makes you do silly things sometimes...I had about 600 in the bank...i'd be lucky to have 50 left over heh....358 for 4 days and nights at this hotel...after taxes and all and considering the size of the room, that isn't too bad. Nice big bathroom (which came in handy the first night, hehe) Big living area and a huge king size bed..nice and hard matress the way i like em...but anyway...things are definatly looking up...I don't believe in love at first sight simply because it's never happened to me...but i've only known crystal for about 3 weeks, but I do love her already...3 weeks...that's pretty quick for me...but the feeling is mutual...we think we're crazy for feeling so close, but everything seems to connect with us...I'm waiting for our first argument, mainly to see just how silly it is lol...I could see myself being miserable with her, and somehow, that makes me smile. Someone I could be miserable with...lol...I can't write anymore...she's on my brain..I use to be good at writing....meh.

2005-10-16T21:00:00.000-05:00

Ahh, the U.S.S. Enterprise, CVN 65, the fastest carrier in the United States Navy. 8 nuclear reactors. EIGHT.

God, I hate being out here sometimes. I wanna go home and spend time with this girl that i'm seeing named Crystal. She's fun, we talk alot and it's genuine on both sides. We spent the last week before I came out here together doing various things, at which point I barely touched the computer at all. We get along great, we have alot of things in common and I think we'll work out just fine.

As Hitch said "It's not your job to make her like you. She's already on a date with you. That means she made a plan. She said yes, when she could have just blown you off, so it's no longer your job to make her like you. it's your job...not..to MESS IT UP."

Anyway. The ship ain't too bad. The food sucks as always, the hours are long with no days off, but hey...atleast i'm saving alot of money. I'm not home to spend my money on rent or having fun, so it's all going straight to the bank. Althought I probably will spent quite a bit of money when I get back next week on crystal, but hey...I like spending money on people I like.

I look at her picture on my phone about a dozen times a day, I miss her alot...See? I can't even stop talking about her....damn.

*sighs*

2005-10-07T17:28:00.000-05:00

Justice and Morality: You believe in doing what is
right for others and maybe even for yourself.
People would consider you one with good morals,
and someone who would not let them down.

Thanks perlin.

2005-08-18T01:10:00.000-05:00

Well, here I am. In ohio. My step mom got in a car accident and died, so I'm here to emotionally support my father. On to of it was a nice excuse to take two weeks off work.

But, now i'm here, with eq2 running in the background. My throat is sore and my nose is as dry as the sahara desert...ever had a booger dry up on the inside of your nasal passage? it sucks..it doesn't just hang there, waiting to come out...it MELDS with the skin of the nasal passage....so which is dries up and shrinks, it makes the inside of your nose hurt because it's essentially trying to shrink your skin in your nose...ah well...

Read perlins blog a few minutes ago, which is what really prompted me to write here in the first place. I haven't written here in a couple months..been too stressed out really. But anyway, Ryan Howard, an old boyfriend of hers is back in here life, and I can't say I like it much. The only reason he's back is because he's lonely. He doesn't love perlin the way I do, or anyone who truly loves someone does. He comes and goes as he pleases or circumstances inhibit. He's using perlin as the girl on the backburner for when he's lonely. Good defensive measure, but shitty relationship building. She probably knows it too, but is using the excuse of "I don't want to lose a friend" instead. She needs to stop being so damn nice and tell him to fuck off for hurting her. That would make her feel better in the long run anyway...ah well.

Back to eq2...*plugs his nose with toilet paper*

2005-06-02T11:32:00.000-05:00

Honor
Compassion
Loyalty
Friendship
Integrity
Honestly

I'm only 22 years old, but in my 22 years of life I've come to realize what's important, and what's not. I mean really important, to life, to happiness. And yet, so many people my age have not and it's the reason I prefer to be alone most of my time. Words and concepts like honor, loyalty and integrity have all but disappeared. They are dying, if they aren't already dead.

I prefer to spend my time alone because most of the people I know don't follow so such words or morals. People in general are seflish. Myself included, but atleast I try. And in this faith most people are standoffish towards me because I don't care about "Living in the moment" or "Just having fun and letting go." I like to think I appreciate the more important things in life, such as family and loyalty to them. I have very few close friends, even fewer now as most of them have changed greatly from what I once knew.

My best friend in Highschool, a guy named Rich huber was the closest thing to a brother I would have imagined myself to being. He always spoke highly of these same moral principles, yet when it boiled down to it, they were just words to him. Now he's a drug addict, a border line alcoholic and and soon to be an Officer in the United States Navy. Which thank god, will curb his drug habits, but not the alcohol.

My next best friend after him, Jonathan Madden, he is also in the Navy, now drinks aswel. his personality has changed so much that the only thing we have in common anymore is video games.

What is it about the years after highschool that make a person change so much? I myself use to be nice, and caring, and didn't care about the morals I care about today. I'm still nice, but now i've also grown to push the envelope when it comes to assholes. I tell them honestly, often brutality that they are pieces of shit if need be. Whilst others will bite their tongue instead of speaking the truth.

Why? I don't know. maybe they're afraid, or maybe they're nicer than I am. Who knows?

Honor...such a dying word. To do what's right in the face if diversity. No matter the outcome, in your heart you do the right thing. Integrity and Honor go hand in hand. Should you face persecution for your beliefs, you stand by them and do what's right. More and more, I see this belief fading from our generation. I can only hope that the next generation, my children and their children, will hold a firmer belief in these morals than that of my current generation.

it's sad really...why must one learn the concepts of honor and loyalty from their enemies in the face of defeat, before they come to realize such beliefs?

*sighs*

2005-06-01T09:02:00.000-05:00

*sighs* Memorial Day weekend is over...and it's 10am, and i'm up getting ready for work. You know, I don't mind going to work everyday...it's those long weekends where for a couple days I forget i'm in the military..then the end of that long weekend reers it's ugly head and i'm forced to realize that I have to go back to work the next day.

Ah well.

Atleast I got paid today. Time to eat some well craved taco bell. I haven't had any in over a week, or any fast food for that matter since megan left. been living off raman noodles, water and whatever else I could scrounge up around the house. But, i'm back on schedule and shouldn't have any more money problems unless I do something stupid. All my bills are on shcedule and paid and whatever else I got left over is mine. Just need to quit eating fast food so much, it's killing my bank account.

*sighs* Ah well.

2005-05-29T19:49:00.000-05:00

Just got back from seeing starwars: Episode 3....again. This will be my 3rd time. The first 2 times were great, but for some reason, this time just seemed really corny. I wasn't into it, I kept noticing all these things about the movie that I didn't like. maybe it was my company. my roomie ej was grumbling about parts he didn't like, and this group down to the left form us couldn't control their brat ass fuckin kids. Sounded like they were having a wrestling match in our isle.

Yea, my company definatly made the expierence a crappy one. But i'll go see it again next weekend and see. Just need to find someone else to go with.

2005-05-29T07:58:00.000-05:00

meh, just woke up. Went to bed early and it seems my body doesn't want me to get more than 8 hours of sleep today...kept tossing and turning, so I just got up at 9am. Turned on some music, which is another things...

I can't seem to find alot of music that I can listen to for any duration of time unless it's a new song. And all the new songs are so hard to get off the internet with all this new copyright protection and crap. I did go and by the new system of a down cd and it rocks. 11 tracks and I like them all.

Welp, think i'll go play WoW.

2005-05-28T16:14:00.000-05:00

World Of warcraft.

I love playing this game. And it's not so much an addiction as other MMO's were. I think i've grown immune. I'll go for days without playing it unless I have the motivation to continue. Got my priest up to 42 and switched to shadow which makes me a PvP god. I got the next 3 days off, so i'll be playing it alot.

Asharak - Earthen Ring Server.

Prawn...

2005-05-28T13:02:00.000-05:00

Oh, where to begin? So many times in my short life, i've come to realize the irony of love. Of what love is, what it's supposed to be and most importantly what love IS NOT.

Where to begin? The beginning, I suppose would be the best course, but that's just short of an answer. So...we shall start at the crossroads of my delimma.

It all started with a game called Neverwinter Nights. I met a woman who quite quickly, befriended me. Over the last 2 years we grown so close that never a day passes when I don't think of her.

Never a day passes...do most of you ever truly realize how strong of a statement that is? How many of you, or I, have said the same words about something? A first love, your favorite memory, whatever it might be. "never a day passes."

That means that everyday, from the moment it happened, or you realized it happened, that thought has always been in the back of your mind. perhaps not dominate, but definatly prevailing on your consciousness.

This is the way that I think about prawn. Or prawninator, as her internet handle goes. She has a blog here as well, of which she's referred to me many times. This woman means the world to me. I would gladly and happily lay down my life for hers to be a success.

But i'm getting ahead of myself. Is there any place left in this world for hopeless romantics? I think so.

On and off for the past 2 years, me and Prawn have been going back and forth with each others feelings. She would be with someone and I would be single, then she would be single and I would be with someone. It's taken quite a toll on both our hearts, and I write this now because I want somewhere to voice my feelings.

When we first met, she was with a guy in the military who had been away and she was unhappy. Albiet to her own willing thought, she was unhappy, which I eventually was able to show her. We had gotten close and her and her b/f were finally broken apart. And thus started the viscious cycle that is my relationship with prawn.

I wanted to be with her, and she wanted to be with me, but I was already previously in a relationship. By the time my relationship had winded down and ended, she had already met someone else by the name of chris. She neglected to tell me this, and I felt decieved. She had been with chris for 2 months prior, and I felt somehow betrayed.

I was hurt and let her know it and she understood. And over the course of the next few months, she was struck between chris and myself, trying to decide who to be with. Apparently, after a couple months of deliberation she was coming to the conclusion that she wanted to be with me, but she never told me this.

So I moved on. And not a few days later, I met a woman named Megan. And the sparks flew instantly. I met her at starbucks. We decided to meet in a public place, for the comfortability factor for both of us, to which I agreed without hesitation.

We met, had a couple drinks. She had hot chocolate in her own mug, and I have a Black sweet tea, Grande. We sat and talked for a bit and then drove over to a super wal-mart across the street where we walked and talked for the next 3 hours. I was quickly learning that we had tons of things in common from music to food, entertainment.

Except one thing stood out. She never mentioned anything about videogames, which to me, is my prime entertainment. Her hobby was theatre. She's a big phantom of the opera buff.

But anyway, I told prawn that I had met megan, and she was crushed. A couple months later we moved in together and we were set.

Once again, through my trust with Prawn, I figured she would tell me if anything had changed between her and chris. I was wrong, yet again.

Through all our times together, PRawn and I, I was always truthful with her. I always told her everything about me, and my feelings and my progress. I had expected the same friendship in return, and I was wrong.

I sent megan home a few days ago. I was impeding her progress, her life, her success. She was just up here working, coming home, working, coming home, wasting her life away and not doing anything productive. Back in her home of Texas, she could live rent free and goto college for free. She wanted to be a social worker and being up here was preventing that goal. So, after much deliberation between my own feeling and then having a talk with her, I decided to make her go home. One of the truly only seflless acts i've ever done in my life. It was the right thing to do, and it hurt alot to do it.

Most of my life, i've made my decisions off mutual gain. I'll make decisions off how it will effect me and the person and make a decision somewhere in between. There was no option like this with megan. I could have either kept her here in virginia, or sent her home to texas. College, or no college. Success or No success. That was my options, so I sent her home, and I miss her terribly, but I know I made the right decision, and am happy for her but once again...I am alone.

I hate being alone. I don't need a woman, but I certainly enjoy their company. I like holding someone at night, I love their cooking, because god knows I can't cook. I like their conversations, everything. But once megan left, I was back in this delimma, and was half afraid to see where things stood with Prawn and chris. But I asked anyway, and that's when she told me the situation, that her and chris were fine, and that I had been snubbed out of the equation. Erased.

So, after our back and forth conflicts, Prawn and I, I mean...we're back to square one. She with someone, and i'm not. I feel in my heart that Prawn is the woman for me, even though things are so complicated. I also feel that her and chris won't last forever, but now the bigger question looms before me. Do I move on, yet again and find someone new to fill this void in my life, or do I wait and hope to see if Prawn and Chris stay together? How does one make a decision like this for certainly a decision needs to be made. And how long am I suppose to wait? I don't know.

Hope....such a strong word. Poor mans armor, warriors spirit and a mothers resolve. Hope. I don't know if I want to hope for the best...I don't know what I should do...

I just don't know.